Friday 6 January 2012

At Last a Doctor You Can LOVE!!!


Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true? !
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise.. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best! feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! ! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:

'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'

AND......

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

NOAH TODAY

In the year 2012, the Lord came unto Noah,Who was now living in the USA and said:
"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over -populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me."
"Build another  Ark and save 2 of every living thingAlong with a few good humans."
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying:
"You have 6 months to build the  Ark before I will
Start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah Weeping in his yard - but no  Ark.
"Noah!," He roared, "I'm about to start the rain!Where is the  Ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed."

"I needed a Building Permit."

"I've been arguing with the Boat Inspector About the need for a sprinkler system."

"My neighbours claim that I've violated theNeighbourhood By-Laws by building the  Ark in myBack garden and exceeding the height limitations. We had to Go to the Local Planning Committee for a decision."

"Then the Local Council and the Electricity Company demanded a shed load of money for the future costs of moving power Lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the
Passage for the  Ark's move to the sea. I told them That the sea would be coming to us, but they would Hear nothing of it."

  "Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban On cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl." "I tried to convince the environmentalists that I Needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!"

"When I started gathering the animals the RSPCA took me to court. They insisted that I was
Confining wild animals against their will. They Argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and It was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in A confined space."

"Then the Environmental Agency ruled that I couldn't build the  Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study On your proposed flood."

 "I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm Supposed to hire for my building crew."

"Immigration are checking the Visa status of most of the people who want to work."

  "The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They Insist I have to hire only Union workers withArk-building experience."
 
"To make matters worse, the Inland Revenue seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally With endangered species."

  "So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 Years for me to finish this  Ark."

  "Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, And a rainbow stretched across the sky."
 

 Noah looked up in wonder and asked,
"You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord.
" The Government beat me to it."